Category Archives: kenyan media

TRUST ME I AM A JOURNALIST

Trust me I’m a Journalist
At 9 o’clock every morning
When the opening bell rings on the NSE
I am there, to see the trading begin
Bull Run, what’s the demand for the green back,
Safaricom, is the share price up?
Why? So I can tell you where to put your money
I translate the indices, points up or down, when to buy, when to sell
Then serve you with the simple arithmetic that tomorrow you can add peanut butter
To your daily dry bread and black tea
Trust me I am a journalist

I may be the last one to leave the club every evening
The one whose name everybody knows
But I still take the matatu home after clubbing
While you sashay into your Range Rover sport
After Listening to my witty stories of dining with Raila, holding the chain for Ababu,
Coaxing Kimunya, laughing with Kajwang and ducking from Martha
After those wonderful nights, you leave, and I wait for daybreak
Because taxi…not my style.
My number 11 to south B will be here at around 4 am, till then
I get the vibe from the waiters, and the sad mistresses who are always left behind
And that makes the juicy vibe you like to catch in the gossip columns
“Reliable sources”, quote un quote…
Trust me, I am a journalist

You see I know everything
It is my job to know who, what, where, when and how
And to help you understand that, lets pick a doing word
And use it with every pronoun I said above …say screw.
So, who …what, where, when and …sometimes how
That was Lesson number one in my news writing class, the 5w’s and an H
With that in mind,
I need you to trust me, I am a journalist

I am an ICT specialist
Do you know that the price of bandwidth in Kenya costs 100% more than it does in South Africa?
That’s the price of speed, or lack of it, should that under water cable ever become a reality
The 59 BPO licenses that have been issued will finally turn to offices
I just made up those numbers up, trust me on that, I am a journalist

I am agriculture expert by the way
A green revolution in Africa can, and will happen
If only we focus on farming again,
Make life worth living in the grain baskets of this country
Then Africa will feed itself
You see the price of fertilizer kept many farmers away from the farms
If African governments walk the talk, then we won’t be hungry for long
Tanzania will create a fertilizer factory,
And then we shall, typically of Kenyans
Bull doze into duty free trade within east African countries
If only they can safaricom shares
Trust me, I am a journalist

I am also a professional tourist
I have visited all the hot spots in this country, for free
I am paid to experience the luxury, the beauty and the sheer pleasure
Of best kept exclusive secrets on the shores of Lake Victoria where Bill Clinton and the likes
Drop by for a fishing weekend,
Or in the heart of Mombasa where Halima charges ‘whatever I can get” for whatever kind of job, fishing, blowing…you name it
You see that’s part of my job description
Spoiling the indulging senses of fresh breezes with musky sweaty scents and shots of heroine in the dark Malindi night
I know how to sniff a party, and I can tell that the whiff is good quality
Trust me I am a journalist

In my lifetime
I have also been a thug, a street girl, a parking attendant and a jobless corner one
Sitting outside mama Njeri’s seven up shop in Jericho
As we share the single cigarette till we almost smoke the filter
Chatting up the boys about a bottle that can blow up houses
And toys that kill, in pain…but also in pleasure
Ask Boni odinga or Mohamed Ali, he even knows where the toys are bought, and I am not talking about guns
(And ladies I don’t have his number)
But I Trust him he is a journalist

I interview the other experts all the time, and to ask relevant questions with depth
I have to be proficient; I am paid to be that, so you can believe me
I have ethics by the way, which I strictly adhere to, make an entrance
Attend all the cocktails, swoon over the beauties, men and women alike
Woo them with my charm, words and ‘I am a journalist”
And when it’s time to leave, let them go, number 11 to south B will start again at 4 am
So there’s time for inspiration for tomorrow’s news
Trust me, I am a journalist.